Rehab Part I and II
If you would have asked me during the days leading up to my discharge from rehab if I was going to use again, you would have received an emphatic NO! I truly believed that I was never going to use again. I had the desire and what I thought was the willingness. The disease of addiction is very cunning. It twists your thinking. It can make you truly believe that you aren't ever going to use again, but at the same time convince you that there is nothing you have to do to prevent from using again. That is exactly what it did to me. Addiction told me that I didn't have to start going back to meetings regularly, I didn't have to use my sponsor regularly, and I sure as hell didn't have to be a newcomer to the 12 steps again. After all, I had worked them before.
It was about 2 weeks before I relapsed on heroin. My girlfriend knew the instant she saw me that I was high. After lying all night about being high I told her the truth. Needless to say she was pissed. During the period of roughly a year, I used on and off again. Sometimes it was nitrous oxide, sometimes it was Kratom, but all the time the desire to get high was there. It wasn't long before I remembered a place I had checked out before on the internet that was like the EBay of drug dealers. It was a website that resided in the Dark Web. For those who are naïve to the Dark Web, It is a collection of websites that a user can access with the use of a torrent browser. The websites don't have traditional names like www.buydrugshere.com. The websites have addresses like sdfgk345t.ewfnh4.onion. They are not names that one can easily find or remember. These websites are maintained in the Dark Web to provide an anonymous internet experience. Things are bought and sold on the Dark Web that would curl your toes. Everything from child porn, murder for hire, fake documents, illegal weapons, to drugs like heroin and meth. The website that I went to was very similar in layout to EBay. There were categories of drugs and within each category were subcategories. I happened to frequent the opiates category. Within that category there were listings from 98% heroin #4, Oxycontin, opium, to Dilaudid and Fentanyl. If it is a drug that will get you high, this website had it. Now if you are anything like I was, my biggest concerns were getting caught or getting scammed. Both of these were addressed within the website. Sellers had a feedback system just like EBay. Good feedback meant a good seller, bad feedback meant likely scammers. I was never scammed. On this website, money was never transacted so to say. All transaction were made using a form of currency called Bitcoin. Bitcoin is a virtual currency that fluctuates much like the Dollar or the Stock Market. You would make the purchase, deposit the Bitcoins into an escrow account, and wait for your drugs. If they arrived, you released the Bitcoins to the buyer from the
It was about 2 weeks before I relapsed on heroin. My girlfriend knew the instant she saw me that I was high. After lying all night about being high I told her the truth. Needless to say she was pissed. During the period of roughly a year, I used on and off again. Sometimes it was nitrous oxide, sometimes it was Kratom, but all the time the desire to get high was there. It wasn't long before I remembered a place I had checked out before on the internet that was like the EBay of drug dealers. It was a website that resided in the Dark Web. For those who are naïve to the Dark Web, It is a collection of websites that a user can access with the use of a torrent browser. The websites don't have traditional names like www.buydrugshere.com. The websites have addresses like sdfgk345t.ewfnh4.onion. They are not names that one can easily find or remember. These websites are maintained in the Dark Web to provide an anonymous internet experience. Things are bought and sold on the Dark Web that would curl your toes. Everything from child porn, murder for hire, fake documents, illegal weapons, to drugs like heroin and meth. The website that I went to was very similar in layout to EBay. There were categories of drugs and within each category were subcategories. I happened to frequent the opiates category. Within that category there were listings from 98% heroin #4, Oxycontin, opium, to Dilaudid and Fentanyl. If it is a drug that will get you high, this website had it. Now if you are anything like I was, my biggest concerns were getting caught or getting scammed. Both of these were addressed within the website. Sellers had a feedback system just like EBay. Good feedback meant a good seller, bad feedback meant likely scammers. I was never scammed. On this website, money was never transacted so to say. All transaction were made using a form of currency called Bitcoin. Bitcoin is a virtual currency that fluctuates much like the Dollar or the Stock Market. You would make the purchase, deposit the Bitcoins into an escrow account, and wait for your drugs. If they arrived, you released the Bitcoins to the buyer from the
The sellers used a lot of good stealth packaging. Everything from bike parts to lint rollers were used to hide your drugs during shipping. This endless supply of drugs was what landed me in rehab for a second time. I must say that although my habit never got to the levels it did the last time, the pain of addiction had multiplied exponentially. I was mentally,
emotionally, and spiritually broken down. When I
walked back into the same rehab a year later, I was completely ready for something different. I had come to the realization that I could not recover from addiction on my own. I did not have all the answers, I did not know how to stay clean anymore, and I really didn't know how to live like a normal person anymore. The first 3 weeks in rehab were spent sitting alone and crying, a lot. I would cry before lunch, when taking a piss, after a shower, and when the sun would rise. I cried pretty much all the time. It wasn't until my support system, loved ones and family, let me know they would be there for me yet again that I finally came out of the fog. I stayed 89 days in treatment. I was supposed to stay 90 days, but shit, what rebellious drug addict doesn't try to buck the system until the last possible minute. So I left a day early.
I made 90 meetings in 90 days while I was in treatment, actually it was more like 115 in 90 days, but the point is that I had willingness this time. It was something I really didn't have before. I was willing to not feel pain before, but never willing to do the necessary things to avoid that pain. Now I was. After getting out I continued going to meetings regularly and started the process of working the 12 steps again with my sponsor. So, here I sit, typing a blog about addiction and recovery. This is only a very small part of my story. Before my relapse there was 11 1/2 years of being clean and before that around 7-8 years of drug use. Maybe one day I will get to that, but today this is where I am. Now that introductions are out of the way, I can start moving forward and blog about something besides my stupid decision.
Strength and growth come only through continuous effort and struggle.- Napoleon Hill
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