Day Two

Day Two

How did I get here?

 

First I have to confess that I did not end up back in this spot by accident. It was a series of purposeful bad decisions that led me back to being a junky. I stopped doing those important things in my life that helped me get clean the first time. Those things like 12 step meetings, talking to other people like me, and all that boring "meeting" stuff. As much as I dislike having to do those things, they worked. They worked really well.

 

 

At the time of my relapse, I happened to be a Law Enforcement Officer for a small department in the South. I had been promoted to the Narcotics Division and I was happier than a tornado in a trailer park. It was the division that I craved from the moment I thought about being a cop. Finally, I made it. It wasn't long at all before I was making those that had been in that position for a while look lazy. One thing I do, and do well, is develop a laser like focus on a job. I began making cases on people that they had been trying to get for years. I had the advantage of being a former drug addict. I knew how to talk, act, and bargain with these people. I used to be one of them. I knew the hiding spots, the people, the neighborhoods...I knew it all. I became interested in this particular group of Heroin dealers. In my quest to get more information on them I developed several CIs. A CI is a confidential informant. One of my CIs was a female I'll call Jane. Jane was someone that I had known for a long time. After dealing with Jane on several occasions I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I started a sexual relationship with her. This was the beginning of the end. Jane was in active addiction. Her drug of choice just happened to be one of my old favorites, K4 Dilaudids. So it comes as no surprise that Jane showed up at my apartment one day with something I had not danced with in over a decade, a syringe already loaded with a K4. Now here is where you might say that all of those years of 12 step meetings, step work, talking to others like me, and all the in between was supposed to kick in and give me the power to say no, but you would be wrong. This is where not continuing to do those things left me defenseless to say no. It truly is a daily thing. I have to do those things every single day regardless of work, relationships, illness, family,and everything! I wasn't doing those things so you know what happened next.  She crumbled into the couch, sitting right next to me and said "I brought you a present." I grabbed the syringe and did not even think twice. I immediately stabbed it into the crook of my arm, finding a vein like I had been doing it everyday for the past decade. I pushed in the plunger and VOILA, the machine was turned on again.

That old behemoth that creaked to life very slowly was now churning at full speed. Gears turning, oil lubricating, exhaust fuming, and so much noise that real life could not be heard over its metallic groans. The machine of addiction had been cranked up after 11 years. It was less than 10 minutes after taking that first shot that I reached into my wallet, took out $40 and told her to go get me two more. This is where it starts and where it begins to end.

....Welcome my son, welcome to the machine. Where have you been? It's alright we know where you've been.. - Pink Floyd (lyrics from Welcome to the Machine)