Am I Ready?

Am I Ready?

 

I had just seen my life crash down around me. I had lost a lot of my possessions, lost any respect I had in the community, and now had lost the trust and bond I had with my girlfriend. The sad part was that I still wasn't convinced I couldn't just stop using. I figured I could just quit whenever I wanted I just needed time. After all that I had been through I had to still get high. The few days after the warrants were a blur. I remember getting honest, partially, with those around me. I told them I had a drug problem. They, with the help of a great friend and therapist, persuaded me to go to rehab. I remember the day before I was going to rehab. I met with Jane to score one last bit of dope. I met her, got the dope, and she wished me good luck. She was crying when I left her because she felt that she was the reason I was a junky again. I told her I chose to get high, which I did. That was pretty much the last time I ever saw Jane.

That next morning my Mother and Step-father took me to a town around 60 miles away. There was a treatment center there. It was a 30 day program. I had done a few packs of dope the night before so I was still ok for the ride. As I pulled up to the rehab I felt my stomach churning. I was afraid. As I look back, I now see what I was afraid of. I was afraid of getting clean again. That fear of the unknown is a powerful force in an addict's life. It is easier to live in addiction and know exactly how you will feel if you can score some dope than to think about living a life where you have no idea what will happen. My parents and I walked up the steps and the admissions process started. At this point my Mom thought I was taking pain pills. A male client there came up and spoke to me and asked me what I was there for. I told him Heroin and my Mom began to tear up. I feel bad for my family that day. I was so angry and ungrateful. Here they were, trying to save my life after I had used them for everything I could, and all I could do was be angry at them. What an asshole I was. I was right where I was suppose to be even though I couldn't see it.

I was called to the nurse's office to do my intake assessment. After telling her of my habit and how much I was doing everyday she told me I needed to go to detox. Detox was $2500 and I had about $3.75 to my name. I wasn't going to detox. Hindsight is 20/20 because that poor decision caused me about 6 days of sickness.

I am going to digress for a moment and tell you about being dope sick. I have heard it called the Flu x 100. That, in my opinion, is too nice of a description. A more accurate description would be writhing hell with moments of bodily evacuation. Opiate withdrawals come on very subtly. When you first start getting them you might say, this won't be so bad, but then you quickly take that thought back. Everyone has a different sign that they are about to start withdrawals. Mine happens to be incessant sneezing. When the sneezing fits start I know I am about to start the arduous process. The sneezes come in multiples. My record is 7 sneezes in a row. There is nothing you can do to stop them. It is sneeze after sneeze after sneeze. next comes the uneasy feeling. The feeling would be best compared to that period of time leading up to very bad news that you know is coming. Perhaps you have been thinking your wife/husband was wanting a divorce and now you see them walking into your job with a manila envelope full of papers. You don't know for sure they are divorce papers, but you have a pretty good idea they are. That feeling as they are walking towards you is the same feeling I am talking about. After the uneasy feeling comes my personal favorite (sarcasm for those who can't tell), the chills and hot flashes. This is my most hated withdrawal because it causes one to remain severally uncomfortable. First you start sweating profusely. Almost like you are in a Sauna. No amount of air or removal of clothes can take away that heat that surrounds your body. The heat becomes so unbearable and then.....You are freezing. It is like someone dropped your body into the Antarctic Ocean then placed you in the back of a pickup truck going down the road at 70 mph in 30 degree weather. The wind whipping against your wet body. The frigid and biting cold finding every available crevice on your body. You cannot escape it. After the hot flashes and chills have been trucking along your body begins to ache. Im not talking about, I have had a long day and my body aches type of ache. I am talking about an ache like you got in a bad car wreck type of ache. Your muscles hurt, your joints hurt, your skin hurts, your bones hurt, and even your hair hurts. Any movement or touch hurts. Restless leg, Restless arm, Restless everything prevents you from sleeping. then the vomiting, stomach cramps, and diarrhea begin. You shit so much that it hurts. This is all within the first 30-48 hours. 72 hours is the peak and it slowly improves from there.

During my withdrawals with absolutely nothing but Ibuprofen and pepto Bismol, I went an entire 6 days before I was able to sleep. It was awful. I stayed in a hot shower for hours at a time at times like 3am just to pass the time and stop the chills. On the 6th day my body could not take it anymore and I passed out. The sleep wasn't the greatest, but it was much needed. When I woke up I felt so much better. I actually got up and ate the next day. This was where I had to either do what was asked of me so I could stay clean, or do it my way and probably get loaded.

 

 

It is in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped.

- Tony Robbins