Real Life Today

Real Life Today

 

I am going to stray from the usual to talk about today. Today I am clean, but I make very poor decisions from time to time. I am in a relationship with a wonderful woman. I try all the time to do everything to make her happy and to make her secure, but I fail sometimes. Sometimes it is because I am not paying attention to her needs, other times it is due to selfishness. Either way I sometimes fall short of my goal. Last night was one of those nights. We are in the process of moving and we both took out loans to pay debt and cover moving expenses. I took out a loan on my fishing boat so I could replace the broken trolling motor and replace the older dry-rotted seats and also pay off my $3700 debt. We borrowed some money from my mom, $1200 to be exact, with the promise we would pay it back. We did pay it back from the loan that my fiancé took out. My mom, being the codependent woman she is, told me that she would pay off the last of my debt, $650, and give me $550 to last me till the end of the month. I just started a new job with monthly pay so I am having to rely on dear old Mom for help till my first whole paycheck. Mom asked me to keep the money our little secret. I honestly didn't care if my fiancé found out. I really didn't. She happened to be looking through my text messages and saw the texts between me and my mom. Understandably she was pissed and hurt. From her perspective she saw a mother and son keeping secrets from her. I completely understand where she is coming from. I, on the other hand, realize the err of my ways by not telling her about the money. My problem is that I didn't see the need in telling her since my mom would have given it to me anyways to help till the end of the month. I guess now that I look back, the fact that it being a secret was even brought up should have tipped me off to why I should tell my fiance. I care so deeply about her and would never do something to hurt her on purpose, but that doesn't mean that I never hurt her. I am a class-A fuckup. I do stupid shit all the time and don't even realize it. The point of this post is to say that no matter what we do, sometimes we mess up. It is a fact of life. Where I go wrong is that after I mess up and am truly sorry for what I did, I forget that it happened. Not by choice, but by unfortunate memory. Without fail, I do the same thing again and we start the whole yelling, cursing, screaming, throwing things merry go round all over again. It is important that when we fuck up, or our partner fucks up, we try not focus on the bad. It is easy to think of your partner as a piece of shit when they do something bad, but when we are angry our brains push out the 125 great things they did for us that same week. Our brain turns every positive into a negative. If we cool off, give ourselves a few minutes, hours, or even days to think about the situation rationally, most of the time we see that it is something that we could easily work through together. I write this as I am unsure of my relationship at the moment. I put her through hell, twice, and while I have gotten 95% better and more spiritual, there is 5% that screws me over every time. At what point is a mistake a mistake and at what point is a mistake someone just not caring anymore?

 

Truth is everybody is going to hurt you: you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for. - Bob Marley